A sigh

Tonight I have that letdown feeling. You know what I mean- that feeling that all the preparations and bustle have come and gone, that the big events are over and that now a hush has fallen over you, yet you expect that you should be doing something more.

This last week has been a whirlwind leading up to a 5 year olds dinosaur birthday party and the hosting of Easter. I have felt the "GO GO GO" mentality of getting everything ready. Do I have enough planned for the children? Are the snacks appetizing to them, yet still go with our dino theme? What if it rains- do I have a backup plan... I am so counting on the bouncy house for entertainment. Needless to say, the party went well. At least for the children....me???? I felt rushed and frantic. I didn't get a moment to talk with my friends and I worried that the adults were bored the whole time. I felt guilt that it wasn't an upbeat and entertaining event for all. My 5 year old, however, had a blast and loved her party. She was so happy that all her friends were there and she had a marvelous time. I guess that is what really mattered as it was her party. You always feel this pressure as a hostess though, whether it is with stranger, friends or family.

Which leads me to Easter. I always stress out at family events. I have no clue why I stress, but that is exactly what I do. I want to just enjoy myself, but I always seem to be holding my breathe, waiting. I guess I just want everyone to have a nice holiday... Then, when it is over I rehash it over and over in my head. I have been soooo lacking in sleep lately. It is surprising that I am functioning at all.

So tonight, as the day of my daughter's 5th birthday comes to an end, I sit in silence. I am waiting for that next sense of urgency to hit- the need to get something done for the next monumental event. Sure, I have laundry and cleaning and everyday chores to do, but that is different. I am waiting for my next sense of purpose. For my next big deal. For my next something.