More than a doll

Looking over I see her laying haphazardly on the sofa. She has been abandoned; left alone in the mess that is our living room. I am shocked and a bit perturbed that she has such little meaning to my child. Really??? She was my pride and joy as a child, my constant companion and devote confidante. How could Brinly just leave her there where someone could sit on her or, even worse, throw her to the floor in complete disregard of her once great import?

I gently pick her up. Looking around sheepishly, I cradle her to my shoulder and inhale her scent. Memories from my childhood flash rapidly upon my now closed eyelids. I squeeze her close and say ,"Thank you...".

Softly I set her back upon the sofa; placing her in an upright position next to me. I look over and smile as my once constant companion is yet again by my side. I should be embarrassed, yet I am not. Remembering the small things is sometimes the most important thing you can do to realign your thoughts. For that moment I feel a since of peace and rightness. Thank you Rub A Dub..... although you now belong to my daughter, I am so glad you are still in my life.

A sigh

Tonight I have that letdown feeling. You know what I mean- that feeling that all the preparations and bustle have come and gone, that the big events are over and that now a hush has fallen over you, yet you expect that you should be doing something more.

This last week has been a whirlwind leading up to a 5 year olds dinosaur birthday party and the hosting of Easter. I have felt the "GO GO GO" mentality of getting everything ready. Do I have enough planned for the children? Are the snacks appetizing to them, yet still go with our dino theme? What if it rains- do I have a backup plan... I am so counting on the bouncy house for entertainment. Needless to say, the party went well. At least for the children....me???? I felt rushed and frantic. I didn't get a moment to talk with my friends and I worried that the adults were bored the whole time. I felt guilt that it wasn't an upbeat and entertaining event for all. My 5 year old, however, had a blast and loved her party. She was so happy that all her friends were there and she had a marvelous time. I guess that is what really mattered as it was her party. You always feel this pressure as a hostess though, whether it is with stranger, friends or family.

Which leads me to Easter. I always stress out at family events. I have no clue why I stress, but that is exactly what I do. I want to just enjoy myself, but I always seem to be holding my breathe, waiting. I guess I just want everyone to have a nice holiday... Then, when it is over I rehash it over and over in my head. I have been soooo lacking in sleep lately. It is surprising that I am functioning at all.

So tonight, as the day of my daughter's 5th birthday comes to an end, I sit in silence. I am waiting for that next sense of urgency to hit- the need to get something done for the next monumental event. Sure, I have laundry and cleaning and everyday chores to do, but that is different. I am waiting for my next sense of purpose. For my next big deal. For my next something.