Got carried away

So, I have learned that I shouldn't write while I am in a bad mood. I tend to be a little wordy when writing, putting emotion and power behind words unnecessarily. Add on to all this emotion the fact that my 5 year old was nagging constantly that she was hungry. (She had just eaten an enormous amount at breakfast... go figure.) While it is totally true that I need to get healthy and lose some weight, I do not feel like it is the end of the world by any means. I was channeling anger directed at myself (I tried on an outfit and it looked terrible.) and I was upset for someone very close to me. All those feelings combined and circled around inside me. They needed an outlet so I sat down and wrote.

Writing things down can be a wonderful avenue for venting frustrations, anger, happiness,love or sadness. Writing is an awesome way to express emotions. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in the way the words and meanings flow together that I lose sight of its purpose. Does that make sense? I have such hopes and dreams of finally writing and being creative. I think I can get carried away.

So, my goal for this week is to start concentrating on my writing. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to lose a pound or two along the way... =)

Hard Decisions

Life is full of decisions... some easy and some hard. I know it sounds so cliche, but it is true. We all face them and we all deal with them differently. Some people spend money, some get sick, some eat, some can't sleep and others act like nothing is wrong. I am one of those lucky ones that lose sleep. I lay in bed and toss and turn and stare at the ceiling while rapid thoughts fire through my head. It is frustrating and I often turn into a major grump. Couple that grumpiness with stress from all that decision making and I am sure you can imagine what my poor family suffers. In addition I also tend to eat. Not good.

So lately I have had numerous personal decisions to make. I have done the obvious... I have avoided them until the lack of sleep has turned me into a surly monster. My outlook on my life in dull. I used to have such vibrant hopes and now I find myself quite boring. I have never been what one would call spontaneous, but I used to be a lot more fun. Yet, I do nothing to rectify the situation. Sure, I get a new hairdo or I get my nails painted, but that is just camouflaging the problem. I am almost 40 years of age. I should be able to do it. I should, but I have fallen into this comfort zone and I am too scared to get out. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, but still I do nothing. Why? Because it puts me back out there; accountable. At this point I am sure you are wondering what the heck I am talking about. I am talking about me.... I need to get back in shape and healthy. I need to do it not only for me, but my family. Because where I am right now isn't healthy- mentally or physically. But as I said, I am almost 40. It is hard to leave my comfort zone and watch every morsel of food, count every calorie and get my big butt to the gym. I find every excuse. But now my body is starting to get mad at me.... my back hurts, my knee hurts, I can't do the things I had always imagined doing with my children. Brian, the girls and the rest of my family mean too much to me for me to no longer do nothing. I need to be happy and healthy. It is embarrassing and to be honest, I can't believe that I am writing it down. But see, for me, this is my first baby step. I am getting it out there and now I am accountable.

This is only one of the hard decisions I am making, but the others will just have to take the back burner for now. It is just a drop in the bucket that is my life. I have come to this crossroads so many times. I never seem to stay on the right path. I am not a young chicken anymore; my body is used to its current state of laziness. The constant unsaid pressure that I feel is such a burden and makes me want to cry. Crying is only an option for so long though.

Life choices are never easy. Whether it is getting a new job, ending a relationship, or getting your life on the right path, all these choices take a drain on us. How we deal with them is often one of the hardest parts. Me? Well, at this point sleep is a rare and wonderful thing. I seriously can not remember the last time I slept through the night. I am hoping to get a new bed for my birthday and am keeping my fingers crossed that between that and my new life choice, I may once again slumber in peace. As of Monday morning, food will be my enemy or perhaps a new friend. I have yet to make that decision.

More than a doll

Looking over I see her laying haphazardly on the sofa. She has been abandoned; left alone in the mess that is our living room. I am shocked and a bit perturbed that she has such little meaning to my child. Really??? She was my pride and joy as a child, my constant companion and devote confidante. How could Brinly just leave her there where someone could sit on her or, even worse, throw her to the floor in complete disregard of her once great import?

I gently pick her up. Looking around sheepishly, I cradle her to my shoulder and inhale her scent. Memories from my childhood flash rapidly upon my now closed eyelids. I squeeze her close and say ,"Thank you...".

Softly I set her back upon the sofa; placing her in an upright position next to me. I look over and smile as my once constant companion is yet again by my side. I should be embarrassed, yet I am not. Remembering the small things is sometimes the most important thing you can do to realign your thoughts. For that moment I feel a since of peace and rightness. Thank you Rub A Dub..... although you now belong to my daughter, I am so glad you are still in my life.

A sigh

Tonight I have that letdown feeling. You know what I mean- that feeling that all the preparations and bustle have come and gone, that the big events are over and that now a hush has fallen over you, yet you expect that you should be doing something more.

This last week has been a whirlwind leading up to a 5 year olds dinosaur birthday party and the hosting of Easter. I have felt the "GO GO GO" mentality of getting everything ready. Do I have enough planned for the children? Are the snacks appetizing to them, yet still go with our dino theme? What if it rains- do I have a backup plan... I am so counting on the bouncy house for entertainment. Needless to say, the party went well. At least for the children....me???? I felt rushed and frantic. I didn't get a moment to talk with my friends and I worried that the adults were bored the whole time. I felt guilt that it wasn't an upbeat and entertaining event for all. My 5 year old, however, had a blast and loved her party. She was so happy that all her friends were there and she had a marvelous time. I guess that is what really mattered as it was her party. You always feel this pressure as a hostess though, whether it is with stranger, friends or family.

Which leads me to Easter. I always stress out at family events. I have no clue why I stress, but that is exactly what I do. I want to just enjoy myself, but I always seem to be holding my breathe, waiting. I guess I just want everyone to have a nice holiday... Then, when it is over I rehash it over and over in my head. I have been soooo lacking in sleep lately. It is surprising that I am functioning at all.

So tonight, as the day of my daughter's 5th birthday comes to an end, I sit in silence. I am waiting for that next sense of urgency to hit- the need to get something done for the next monumental event. Sure, I have laundry and cleaning and everyday chores to do, but that is different. I am waiting for my next sense of purpose. For my next big deal. For my next something.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

I remember that as a child St. Patrick's Day was a big deal. One year my grandmother even dressed me as a leprechaun. I vividly remember running around the dining room in my glittery green costume setting the table.

There is also the tale of how our great great uncle was King of the Leprechauns. Of course, he used to nip into the spirits quite a bit, but that is what he claimed as he did his Irish jig around the room. =) Therefore as children my sister and I used to claim we had leprechaun blood. =)

I tried to share the tale with my girls this year. Shaely promptly got on the phone and called Mama to find out if I was telling the truth. =) Of course she was already leery of the concept of leprechans due to the fact her preschool teacher had told them how last year a leprechaun had used the bathroom and forgot to flush (think green water!). =0) They had been making leprechaun traps in school this past week. The other night at 2:00 in the morning Shaely calls to us that she has to got to the bathroom and keeps asking if it is St. Patty's Day. We keep telling her to go to the bathroom, but she won't. Finally Brian goes in and we realize that she is scared that there may be a leprechaun in the bathroom. It was hilarious, but not really at 2:00am. Hence the next morning I talked about how magical leprechauns are and how they tend to visit school, not houses. I also told them how their great great great uncle was king of the leprechauns, which of course then sparked the aforementioned phonecall to Mama. =)

So, although it doesn't hold the same magnitude of importance as it did as a child, I love St. Patty's Day. The thought of leprechauns, wearing green and magic makes me smile.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!!!

Life's A Bowl of Lucky Charms

This morning my husband woke me up by bringing me a cup of coffee. I heard him put it on the nightstand and then begin his shaving preparation. I just wasn't ready to open my eyes yet.

I knew that I needed to open my eyes, but I was still caught in the state of semi-wakefulness. My eyes began to open and close rapidly like the flutter of a hummingbird wings. As I am having rapid fire eyesight, I hear the pitter patter of little feet coming down the hallway- in walks Shaely with a bowl of Lucky Charms in her hands (sans milk so she can sit with it on the couch and watch Mickey Mouse). She proceeds to chat away to my husband as he shaves.

By this point I am fully awake and watching her. It is amazing that she can be this alert and animated at this time in the morning. Suddenly my husband stops his shaving and realizes that she has cereal. When asked where she got it, Shaely states that she got it herself. I sleepily inform Brian that she pours her own cereal (without milk) all the time. She is getting to be a big girl! Shaely grins at him and leaves the room. Shaely's footsteps echo down the hallway as she heads out to watch TV. For such a little thing, she sure can make a lot of noise.

Now Brinly enters with brush and ponytail holder in hand. I still do not understand why my child insists on wearing her hair in a ponytail everyday. This has become a daily ritual. I sit up and take a sip of coffee and then brush her beautiful honey brown hair into a high pony placed firmly in the middle of her flat spot.

Once again the pitter patter of little feet can be heard coming down the hallway. Shaely comes in, once again with a bowl in her hands. This time she hands the bowl to me and with a huge grin spread across her face says, "Mommy, I made you breakfast in bed. But.... I left out the milk so you don't spill it in bed."

This morning my life is a bowl of Lucky Charms. Aren't I lucky? I think so!

Pure Joy

She was so sad that she didn't get to go see the new Alice in Wonderland movie.

My littlest daughter was jumping up and down in anticipation. My two girls and husband had been talking about the Alice in Wonderland release for weeks! Although I had extreme doubts about the appropriateness for either girl, I was willing to give it a go. As the time grew closer, I told my hubby that our littlest shouldn't go. He agreed, but she really wanted to go so we were going to give in.

As we prepared to leave for the theater, the nagging sensation in my gut grew. I knew that this wasn't a wise move. Looking at my husband I saw the doubt in his eyes as well. I decided to look it up online. There are numerous sites that specify the recommended ages for movies. Although rated PG, the movie was recommended for 11+ by many people. There were a few 7, 8, 10s, but for the most part it was geared toward older children. Brian said he thought that our 8 year old would be fine, but the youngest...

Looking at Shaely, I told her that this movie was too scary for her. I waited with abated breathe for the tantrum to ensue. Nothing... she just crumpled to the ground. My husband picked her up and she proceed to cry. I felt awful. Finally I bribed her- my husband suggested she and I go to frozen yogurt and she was sold. So as Brian and Brinly left, we got in the car and headed out for our mini yogurt date.

We had a fabulous time! We talked and giggled. We went to the nearby Little Gym and got information to sign her up for gymnastics with her friend. Then on the way home she said she wanted to go to the park so WE DID! We ran around and played. I haven't played like that with her in so long. It was uplifting. The pure joy on her face as she raced over the play structure and catapulted herself down the slide reminded me of all the fun I had as a child playing outdoors. She was content and happy. She didn't see the movie. She didn't have a little friend playing with her. Guess what? She could have cared less. She was playing with her mom and she was happy.

What started out as a sad morning turned into a good day. I truly am blessed.