Hard Decisions

Life is full of decisions... some easy and some hard. I know it sounds so cliche, but it is true. We all face them and we all deal with them differently. Some people spend money, some get sick, some eat, some can't sleep and others act like nothing is wrong. I am one of those lucky ones that lose sleep. I lay in bed and toss and turn and stare at the ceiling while rapid thoughts fire through my head. It is frustrating and I often turn into a major grump. Couple that grumpiness with stress from all that decision making and I am sure you can imagine what my poor family suffers. In addition I also tend to eat. Not good.

So lately I have had numerous personal decisions to make. I have done the obvious... I have avoided them until the lack of sleep has turned me into a surly monster. My outlook on my life in dull. I used to have such vibrant hopes and now I find myself quite boring. I have never been what one would call spontaneous, but I used to be a lot more fun. Yet, I do nothing to rectify the situation. Sure, I get a new hairdo or I get my nails painted, but that is just camouflaging the problem. I am almost 40 years of age. I should be able to do it. I should, but I have fallen into this comfort zone and I am too scared to get out. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, but still I do nothing. Why? Because it puts me back out there; accountable. At this point I am sure you are wondering what the heck I am talking about. I am talking about me.... I need to get back in shape and healthy. I need to do it not only for me, but my family. Because where I am right now isn't healthy- mentally or physically. But as I said, I am almost 40. It is hard to leave my comfort zone and watch every morsel of food, count every calorie and get my big butt to the gym. I find every excuse. But now my body is starting to get mad at me.... my back hurts, my knee hurts, I can't do the things I had always imagined doing with my children. Brian, the girls and the rest of my family mean too much to me for me to no longer do nothing. I need to be happy and healthy. It is embarrassing and to be honest, I can't believe that I am writing it down. But see, for me, this is my first baby step. I am getting it out there and now I am accountable.

This is only one of the hard decisions I am making, but the others will just have to take the back burner for now. It is just a drop in the bucket that is my life. I have come to this crossroads so many times. I never seem to stay on the right path. I am not a young chicken anymore; my body is used to its current state of laziness. The constant unsaid pressure that I feel is such a burden and makes me want to cry. Crying is only an option for so long though.

Life choices are never easy. Whether it is getting a new job, ending a relationship, or getting your life on the right path, all these choices take a drain on us. How we deal with them is often one of the hardest parts. Me? Well, at this point sleep is a rare and wonderful thing. I seriously can not remember the last time I slept through the night. I am hoping to get a new bed for my birthday and am keeping my fingers crossed that between that and my new life choice, I may once again slumber in peace. As of Monday morning, food will be my enemy or perhaps a new friend. I have yet to make that decision.